Monday, 27 June 2016

Why girls should not marry without a strong career foundation for themselves

Hello Kiki,

God bless you for the good job you are doing on this platform especially concerning social issues. I was going through your private Facebook account and saw the heated debate going on there about "Career" and "Marriage". This is what I saw posted on your wall "What is more important in a woman's life? Marriage or a Career? I don't want to hear both lol". I wanted to comment about my own experience as a married woman without n career but thought it would be best to share it on this blog with a bigger audience so that more young girls can learn from my experience.

I am a 31-year-old woman and a mother of 3 beautiful children. I got married at the age of 20, during my second year as a Journalism student at the University of Yaounde 1. My husband and I planned that I would finish my degree first, then get a job and then we can start a family. Things did not go as planned as I got pregnant immediately after marriage. I was forced to put my studies on hold and nurse our baby. I found out again that I was pregnant when our son was barely a year old. The plan was to go back to school when our second son started school. However, the private company my husband was working for decided to send him to a professional school to take some courses during that time. The company promised to pay for his tuition and also pay his normal salary which was going to increase enormously upon his graduation from the professional school. We both saw it as a great opportunity and so I decided to stay home again and look after our home and kids while my husband put food on the table. 

Note that all the financial burdens were on my husband. He gave me a monthly allowance for the house, kids and myself. The money he gave me was always less than the budget but I had  to make it work. I spent everything on the house and the kids and kept nothing for myself. Most of my clothes and shoes were from the earlier days of our marriage. After two kids some of the clothes did not even fit me properly. We were living from hand to mouth! I remember one time when I had to use my children's old nappy as a pad. I started menstruating at a time when my husband was broke and I had nothing left from the amount he gave me. 

Well, my husband finished professional school and was promoted at his job. Things got a little better on the money department. However, I found out I was pregnant again. My third pregnancy was very complicated. I spent a lot of nights at the hospital. During that time my mother who lived in Bali was hospitalized too. My father is of late and I am the first child so everyone in the family was waiting for my husband to pay her hospital bills. My husband had no problem with that, the only people who started complaining was his family. They started saying, myself and my family were "eating" their sons money. I was very angry when my husband's sister said that to my face when she came to visit me after our third child was born. I sacrificed my own dreams so he could have his! 

I discussed it with my husband and he told me to ignore his family. After sometime my husband started behaving funny when I asked him for money to do anything. There was a time when he did not give me the usual monthly allowance until two weeks later. Myself and kids the ate rice cooked with palm oil and salt everyday for a week during that period. My husband stopped eating at home, one of my neighbours told me she had been seeing him eating and drinking at a popular restaurant about 2kms from our home with different women. Things only got worse. Two months ago my husband refused to give me  my monthly allowance and we had to beg from the neighbours all the time. Some evenings I would take my kids to visit my friends during super time just so my children could be fed. The children cried all the time and missed out on school. That same month I took my kids to church and after the service I started praying and crying. The kids saw me crying and started crying too. The pastor's wife saw us and joined me in my prayers. When done praying she took us to her house near the church and gave myself and the kids something to eat and drink. When the kids went outside to play with her own kids she pulled me to a corner and asked me what was wrong. 

I opened up to her. I told her everything about my husband's affairs and money problems. She was in tears as I narrated my predicament. When I finished she asked me what I wanted out of life and what I thought was my next move towards achieving it. I told her I have always wanted to be a Journalist but at this point a degree and finding a job will take too long. So what I wanted to do now was to get into a professional school and get training as a teacher. She smiled and told me she would help me. So we decided that I will send my kids to my mum in Bali. She offered to pay fees for the two years i would be studying in the school. The pastor's wife also advised me to take computer classes so that I could work at the computer place she owned near the church on weekends. 

I just started school and enjoying every moment of it. My husband ran off to Douala with one of his woman so, I am living at my pastor's house at the moment. I miss my kids and I want them here with me but I have to think about our future. I don't know what would have happened to me if the pastor's wife hadn't come to my rescue. Young girls this is just a summary of my story, I didn't mention the parts where I was attacked by my husband's mistress. Do not marry a man without building a strong career foundation for yourself. You might be lucky and never end up like me but it is better to be safe than sorry. 

Thank you for letting me share my story Kiki. God bless you.


  1. Pathetic story, but thank God for overcoming. Courage.

  2. Thk u for that inspriring story��

  3. And to add to this story,ladies please prepare your minds earlier enough.I know when women get married they start saying their husband is their all and all.I pity you!!He would cheat on you and still have the guts to insult you and even tell people too that you are a bad woman.Please it is not a must to get married and it is not a must to stay in a bad marriage.Your peace of mind should matter to you and not what people say.Do not kill your dreams inorder to let him achieve his own ,never do that or else you would be the loser after he must have achieved his dreams and he would start telling you that you are not good enough for him.That's when you would see him displaying different kinds of women before your eyes which would make you want to commit suicide and soon Kinnaka's blog would be announcing your obituary.

  4. What a story. My mother always says..your job is your first husband. I totally agree that it will be best to stand firm on your feet before getting married. Well life happens and circumstances are always different. If we all had the handbook of life we will plan our lives better. The take away from this story is.. donot totally be dependable. Tru to stnd on your feet as much as possible! Thanks for sharing this story and I hope many will learn from it.

  5. Its good to have a job married or not. Marriage itself is not a job, as some people think. A woman should have a job before getting married, some are sent to school by their husbands and instead when through and find something doing they dessert the husband. Your husband may fall sick or die. Then you become stranded if you hadn't a job. The problem is you became very comfortable giving birth to children. Sorry sister but thanks you are on your feets now.

  6. I have followed this conversion keenly and it's really an interesting and practical one. Your story really is a sad one but thank God he made a way for you. In my opinion a career is not more important than a marriage nor is a marriage more important than a carrier. What works for one does not necessarily work for the other. It all depends on the right knowledge. Ignorance is the only thing that makes any situation deplorable. If one chooses to drop her career for marriage, it will work well for her depending on what she is counting on before taking that decision. But when u do that out of ignorance, that is where the problem is. Same goes the other way round. True satisfaction only comes from within and what determines that is the mindset u have stepping into any situation. Ur marriage cannot give u true satisfaction nor can ur Career give u true satisfaction, it can give u a degree of security but nothing is guaranteed in life. We have to stop looking for happiness without and rather look for it within. I will conclude by saying the decision we take is not our pitfall, but rather it is the knowledge upon which that decision is taken that may be the pitfall.

  7. Wow! What a compelling story and great contributions from readers like myself. My dear girl friend, u are a rock!I love your strength and resilience and wish many more girls could read and learn from it. I totally relate, I've been there. Thank God for giving you another chance to pursue your dreams. You'll be so proud of yourself when you finally make it. On the career and marriage thingy, I urge every girl to have "their own", like earn your own money and then build a strong realtionship with yourself, build a strong and trustworthy support system such that you can fall back on "self", your network and career when marriage fails.
    Hey Kiki, thanks for bringing this to us.

  8. This story is all about more money more problems. Just have a contingency plan for your life's women. Cheat happens. Note to self to do your due diligence and when a man is rich the real character shows. Prayers and firm foundation in the word is essentially for the enemy comes in diff form.
    Your SIL sowed the seed of discontentment and germinated to a tree. Learn to rebuke such arrows at its root. So many SIL esp have destroyed homes! Degree is no guarantee for a job.
    I believe your home can be restored don't focus on the ripple effect but on God and your ambition. Save and fulfill your dream. Know your self worth don't be a door mat

  9. I think this is a debate everyone will have an opinion based on their experiences. My aunt once told me marriage these is "i have what u like u have what i like so come lets be"
    How many people ever really take the time to pray before getting into marriage. Becus the guy treats us nicely during courtship we think he is heaven on earth and marriage will be sweeter and we just go on blindly. I dated my husband for 8yrs and we have been married 5yrs. In those years of courtship we didnt have any fights, and everyone thought I had found an angel in human form. But 1st year of marriage I was prepared to bear the shame of returning to my father's house. But its thesame husband that forced me into building a career for myself and be who I am today.
    My sisters if you are not prepared to be a "prayer warrior" don't marry.
    Marriage is spiritual, there is more to it than the eyes can see. It's good to be financially stable before you marry but that is not the foundation for marriage. God should be your only foundation. As the marriage can fail so the career too can fail. I remember one time I bitterly told my husband I dont need his money I got my own just to get to the office 1 hour later and received a termination letter.
    Dear poster sorry about your situation and I pray God gives you strength as you start all over.